road rage

Last night, on my commute home, I was cut off by this guy whose bumper sticker read:
"I am self-seving and enjoy cutting you off and then slamming on the brakes only to get back into my original lane 500ft down the road. Who cares about the condition of my tires or the fact that gas has jumped to $3.19/gallon, as long as I'm first off the line when the light turns green? And if you happen to be in front of me and you don't stomp on the gas 2 seconds before it changes in anticipation, I will blare my horn until your ears bleed. Because after all, I'm the only person who matters and I am always right."

What, you don't believe me? Look, I took a picture of it:




By the way, I just waited in line for 20 minutes to get gas at $2.79!

What the hell is this?? 1973??

cry babies

well, we did it.

we spent all weekend moving and I took off yesterday and finished it up all by myself. i'm such a big girl. i got the kitchen organized which is always a top priority for me so that i can feel sane.

it was all going well until i locked myself out of the "new house" in the 90 degree mugginess. milan finally showed up 1/2 hour later (i had to walk down to the bank to call since my cell phone was locked inside and i never did get a hold of him.) and let me into my car. it worked out though because at least i was forced to stay in the old house and pack every last little item.

so this morning, milan is all whiney when he wakes up. i'm sick, blah, blah, blah. felt his head, took his temp - 100 - not too bad. needless to say, he stayed home from work.

at lunchtime i offered to come home and take him to the dr. because he'd been whining at me all morning. "my body's so achey... i'm so hot... i can't even watch tv" blah, blah, whatever.

i felt like i was on that episode of everybody loves raymond (takes places here in long island by the way) where some guy sneezes on ray at the airport and he says, "you know how you feel the day before you get sick, well, i feel like this is the day before that." and his wife rolls his eyes and gives him hell for not helping out.

well, do you know how that episode ends - just like this - turns out milan had a temp of 103 and has an ear infection and strep throat. and the wife says, "fine, get back in bed."

and i'm so heartless that all i can think is, you better not get that baby sick!

yeah, time to party!!

we're moving this weekend. we're moving all of 1 mile away to a house owned by my previous landlord (before milan and i moved in together last year) and 2 doors down from milan's ex-girlfriend (who took over my old place). that's a story for another day!

we just moved 11 mos. ago but this landlord we have now is such a bastard (STILL hasn't fixed that leak in the roof. we told him about in jan. and in april he brought piles of roofing shingles and materials by and stored them in our garage promising to do it as soon as it warmed up a bit.) that we feel we just must leave and besides, my old landlord contacted me that this property was coming up for rent so we jumped on it.

work done so far to the new house - by landlord: a new roof , stripped the bathroom ceiling (still working on), replaced the kitchen sink (still working on), replaced the hardware in the tub (still working on), cleared the back yard of its poison ivy

work done - by us: scrubbed the HELL out of it, replaced the light fixture and the cabinets and towel rods in bathroom, painted every single room since they obviously hadn't been painted in the last decade, ripped up the carpet in the baby's room and revarnished the hardwood floor beneath, put together all her furniture and an entertainment center and just for the record we have not been reimbursed for the cost of all this work - and won't be - not one penny.

work still to be done: replace front porch, replace side screen door, fix closets in both bedrooms, replace a lot of the trim (it's missing), replace the board to the attic, tear down decrepit playground so baby doesn't die of mulitple splinter injury, change kitchen outlets to gfci and re-varnish the floor in the computer room.

and people, this is the BETTER of the two houses and ALL of the work I just listed was promised us by the landlord before we signed the contract.

guilt

i was speaking with a family member yesterday about my cousin. my cousin has, in many ways, been VERY good to me and yet often times is not at all good to me.

but my family member and i were talking about how when she's mean to us, we feel like we don't have the right to complain or speak up or be hurt because let's face it; we're healthy and she's not. it's as though being sick (chronically ill, deathbed ill) has warranted her to behave however she wants. it's not that her behavior has really changed, but i now feel powerless to defend afainst it.

before, when she would insult or belittle me or my daughter, i would speak up or maybe i would just go home and keep some distance for awhile. but how can i do that now? that would be so selfish!

i feel torn. torn between doing what's best for me and my daughter and spending what time i left with someone i love. unfortunately, the two do not often link up.

why i didn't get my license until i was almost 19

i was reading crazy us recently (link to the side - i'm tired) and beth has been writing of loss and grieving. one thing in particular that she wrote hit home with me. "They had every right to grieve. It was Survivors Guilt/The I-didn't-know-anyone-who-died issue."

the evening before my sixteenth birthday, 2 friends of mine were killed in a car accident. i received the call around 12:18 am on my birthday. the next day, i decided to go to school because i wanted to see my friends and grieve with them. many of them didn't know until the announcement which came with the morning bell. we were all free to pretty much roam that day and the next (thursday and friday) even though classes were held.

thursday, we left school at lunch and never came back. my friends spent the afternoon smoking pot while i watched because i wasn't interested in drugs in highschool.

friday afternoon, i went to the counselor's office where they were offering support. i asked them if they would take me to see my friend kat and take her out of class so that i could speak with her. we went to her class and asked that she be excused. the moment she came over the threshold of the doorway i burst into tears (for the first time - the first real cry, that is) and she grabbed me, holding me tight as she also burst into tears. "i'm sorry, i said, i haven't been able to cry until now." "me either", she whipered and we weeped and weeped for must have been 10 minutes until the counselor urged us to come back to her office for privacy.

back in the office, after we'd calmed down, we went into the main room where there were other students grieving. one of them was katie phillips. she was (is) 2 years younger than me and in my sister's class. i barely knew her, i had no opinion of her. she was speaking about how the loss of nate cox and beth powers was affecting her when i asked which person she knew. (nate was a senior and beth a sophmore so not many people knew them both. i was a junior.) she said she knew beth. "oh, how did you know her?" "she rode my bus home one day with a friend of hers?" "that's it?" and i flipped on her - i screamed and yelled. how dare you grieve for my friend when you didn't even know her??!!? i was so worked up that kat had to escort me out of the office. immediately.

i knew shortly after how wrong i was - that she was experiencing what beth calls Survivor Guilt but at the time - at 16 - i didn't care. i felt cheated as someone who suffered what i considered to be a real loss that this other little girl had the audacity to think she deserved a piece of it.

3 days ago, a childhood friend died of a diabetes-related incident. her name was shannon traynham (the link is for her stepmother, it's the only thing i could find). she was my neighbor. meaning that we spent every moment of every day together for about 7 or 8 years. we lived in a neighborhood without kids so she was pretty much our (my sister and my) only playmate. shannon was strong, smart, beautiful and a talented artist.

she ran away when she was a senior in highschool to go live with her mom. (her dad and stepmom are the ones who live across from my parents.) 2 days after she arrived in FL, her mom up and moved to kentucky with their new family. (i think it was kentucky - whatever the case, it wasn't nearby.) this left shannon alone save for an aunt she barely new.

for me, this was the death of her. i put her out of my mind, out of my memories. the saddest part for me right now is that she has an 8-yr-old child - a son, i think. regardless of whether she was a good mother (i have my doubts), he will miss her dreadfully. i'm feeling guilty right now for not being sadder, but then i found out maybe 12 minutes ago, so maybe it just hasn't hit yet.