Wednesday, March 22, 2006

becoming a mother is the best thing that could have ever happened to me

This week, the theme on Mama Says Om is Foundation. I took the photo on the left specifically for the theme from 3 weeks ago which was Silly. My daughter's hysterical. I assume almost all 3 year olds are. And it struck me when I was considering a post for Foundation that it is her innate hijinx that keep me going.

Motherhood is hard. It's work. But can you imagine how much more difficult it would be if our little oh-how-they-drive-us-nuts darlings weren't such bundles of laughter. She has the ability to melt my heart with a single smile. When she tells me she lubs me or that I'm beautiful while her chubby warm hand gently pets my cheek, I have to physically choke back the tears.

Then there are the days when she just won't stop talking to me and demanding things of me while she's lying in bed making every effort not to fall asleep and my reflux is acting up and I can't bend over because my back is spasming and Milan is at practice and I'm exhausted from working overtime at a job I dislike very much because I'm trying to compensate for the additional $30 a week daycare costs for the summer and the fact that the company I work for hasn't given raises in 32 months and counting. And I yell or I speak harshly. Then I spend the next 3 and a half minutes calming down and guilting myself into depression until I go in and apologize for my erratic behavior.

"I'm sorry I yelled, baby. Mommy shouldn't yell. (she nods her head.) Does it make you sad and angry when Mommy yells?" (on the night we had this conversation, she actually started crying for Milan, her voice cracking through the tears - "Mi-i-i-i-laa-a-a-a-n" - so pathetic, so heartbreaking.)

"Yeah. I'm sad, mommy, dat's why I cryin."

We hug and kiss and inevitably, she reaches up with her chubby warm hand and gently pets my cheek while saying, "It's okay, though, mommy, cuz we lubs a'chother and we're the family."

My daughter is my silly.
My daughter is my foundation.