on the outside looking in

have you ever watched a show or movie and really related to a character but known that as the "audience" you're supposed to be relating to the other character?

just now i was watching a rerun of er (they're impossible to miss after all) and these 2 girls are roommates. one couldn't sleep and she was up well before her alarm just staring at different things in her bedroom until it went off at 7 am. she goes out into the main area of the apartment and her roommate is standing there doing the dishes. now as an insomniac, i know this chick must be cranky. roommate says hi, how'd you sleep? better than last night night? blah, blah, blah and she's only getting 1 word answers but she keeps going. should i make you breakfast? i could blah, blah, blah... and i think as the audience, we're supposed to sympathize with both. one is cranky and the other is being so nice and considerate so really it shouldn't annoy the cranky one but within minutes the cranky one has declared that she needs her space and asks the nice friend to start looking for her own place.

i can't live with ANYONE. even my daughter gets on my nerves. she never stops talking. just stop talking. now. stop it. before my brain impoldes. i'll tell her, honey, mommy can't listen anymore. mommy's ears are tired and my brain hurts. why, mommy? you ears hurt? my ears hurt too, mommy. they got boo-boos. can i have a bandain (bandaid) for dem?

but roommates, aargghh... my oldest friend - since we were six actually - and i lived together for one year and after the day i moved out, we didn't speak for two years. in fact, it was my pregnancy that brought us back together.

my boyfriend. ugh. i could list so many things, so i won't.

i just need a lot of space and i tire of people so easily. in fact, to date, i can think of ONE person i never tired of. my friend becca. i called her qua (as in ray-bec-qua) and she called me juice. i could hang out with her nonstop for weeks and she the same and it never got old and we never fought and we never needed our own space. the other cool thing is that in many friendships there's a leader and a follower but we never did that. one day one of would sort of take charge and another day the other would. we were so equal.

we actually knew each other for YEARS before even speaking to each other because we were sure we would hate one another. the moment we actually *met* - that was it. we would just hang out, you know. i'd write, she'd draw or paint. we'd smoke cigarettes and laugh and laugh. i knew her only 2 days when she came with me to get my nipple pierced. that is a PERSONAL experience people! and what did she do? she offered to take off her shirt too so that i'd feel more comfortable. i said sure and before i knew it the girl was topless. she'd taken off her bra, too. that's friendship, people.

but then i moved to spain and then new york and then spain again and then back to new york for good and sometime last year, we just completely lost touch and now her phone number belongs to someone else. and i yearn for a relationship like that again.

i loved becca. i think i always will.