ordinary day

pink eye

2006-05-17T17:08:00.001-04:00

My poor baby. She woke up with eyes so swollen that it took us 20 minutes of applying warm washclothes before they opened. She amazes me with her upbeat attitude when she's sick. She doesn't let anything get her down, doesn't dramatize the illness and doesn't pity herself. She's a pleasure on days like these. On a side note, I have never seen such a severe case of pink eye!!

Floods of Memories

2006-05-17T17:08:00.000-04:00

My daughter is sick today and I home caring for her. This equates to way too much time to play online instead of doing laundry while she naps her grumps away. It also means more time for reflection.

Although I'm not sure whether I'll attend this 10 year reunion, I am hoping to catch base with old friends. Isn't that everyone's goal? To not actually have to attend, to not have to see those select few you hope aren't attending but still be able to reunite with those people you never should have lost.

I am jealous of my daughter sometimes; of her outlook on life. She is a toddler still and to her there 4 groups of people: babies, kids, teenagers and grown-ups. But I am all too familar with the turmoil of the in-between. Am I a grown-up? Do grown-ups have these same fears and anxieties that I have? I would imagine they do. I can't believe that at 27 I already understand the expression "Youth is wasted on the young." Imagine what I could accomplish with the same energy, foolishness and drive of a 19-year-old.

Then there are the days when I feel much older than my age. The days that I am challenged at work and then go to pick up my daughter to school only to find that she's had an accident and no one's noticed so that her pants are sticky and smell of urine. In her classroom, I find multiple incident reports. Reports which are like the grown-up versions of tattling. Today she misbehaved and those listening ears are not quite working still. Oh, how I'd love to sign, "Bite me, they're toddlers." instead of my name. Then on to the house where I get to start dinner, field calls, clean up, and put in a load of laundry all while balancing this 34 pound bundle of energy in my arms, or attached to my leg, climbing up on me, or better still, lying on the floor of the kitchen coloring on the linoleum with her washable markers just behind me so that as I turn from the stove to dump the hot pasta water in the sink, I trip over her criss-crossed legs.

Ten years. They passed so slowly individually until all of a sudden their culmination surprised me. I am eager to hear of the changes in everyone's lives. I am eager to tell my story and realize that, I, too, have changed in their eyes.

soapbox city

2006-04-25T10:23:00.000-04:00

There's a topic I've been wanting to post about for some time. I wanted to write drafts and revise and be concrete and not leave myself open to hate. Criticism, differing points of view, okay - personal attacks, not okay.

But, I'm just too busy for all of that proofreading and worry, so oh, well, here goes.

Single Parenthood. This is my topic. This is my pet peeve. There are so many women in the blogging world using the term "single parent(ing)". It's the new trend.

"I had to single parent an entire weekend."
"Hubby went out with the guys last night, and left me to single parent the bedtime routine."

It infuriates me. INFURIATES me. This is not single parenting. This is not even a glimpse of single parenthood. This is regular parenthood. This is marriage. Of course you're going to have to be alone with the kids sometimes. DUH!! Single parenthood is when you CAN'T choose to go out with the guys or the girls or whomever because you don't have that other person to stay with your child. Single parenthood is being tethered to your child.

It is making every single decision alone. Right or wrong. No one to give a new point of view or tell you, "hey, wait, that is the worst way to handle that situation." Single parenthood is telling the boss you can't stay late. Ever. Never. Single parenthood is being told in the grocery store that because your child is cranky, you should really wait and do your shopping around her nap schedule. And you, tired of the criticisms turn around and explain that between work and being alone, this child is going have to schedule her routine around yours.

Single parenthood is knowing your child does way more than his/her fair share because mommy needs help. Single parenthood is lonely. Lonely. Single parenthood is guilt. (Although that's really mommyhood in general.) Single parenthood is being the sole provider. Single parenthood is no one to come bail you out. Ever. No one to eventually come home from that business trip or night out.

Single parenthood is crying for hours when you're seven months pregnant because all you want is a glass of water but you are just too tired, sick and swollen to get up. Single parenthood is not going to a lamaze class because you were ashamed that you didn't have a partner. Single parenthood is seeing your child for the first time and having no one to share it with.

Single parenthood is the electricity going out while you're alone and breastfeeding and crying because your nipples are bleeding and worrying that the blood in the breastmilk is going to hurt your baby and somehow not tripping and falling with your newborn in your hands and as you inch your way to the cabinet and pray you have a flashlight. Single parenthood is finding the flashlight. Single parenthood is shushing the baby while you light your way back to the futon in your studio apt. to resume breastfeeding and just as you wince because the baby latches on, the batteries in the flashlight die.

I find it disrespectful that people take this term, this lifestyle, and turn it into a trend. Should I feel pity for you that you had to "single parent" for 2 hours? Are you cool now that you got to apply that term to yourself? How can something so important, so difficult, be so easily mocked as to become a trend?

I am grateful to have my boyfriend and now that we're living together, I have found a new freedom. He may not support her (financially) but he is raising her with me. The next time she's sick, rather than frantically running around like a chicken with my head cut off repeating outloud, "What do I do?? What do I do???", I can turn to him and get his counsel. It is an amazing thing to have a partner in life and I think part of the other pet peeve of mine is that by using the term single parenting so easily, aren't you disrespecting all that your partner is and does for you?

Anyway, that's my rant. I am very open to discussion on this. I'd like to hear your take on this.

blue

2006-03-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

Ever since my daughter moved to her new classroom, the giraffes, she's been more and more definitive of boy things vs girl things. Personally, this bother me to no end. It's bad enough she goes coo-coo for Princess (joking - kinda) but to actually think that she shouldn't or couldn't play with something or do something or act a particular way because that would be like a "boy" just isn't acceptable to me.

It's amazing how young peer influence begins. I noticed it when she turned 2 but now that she's in this new older room (all the kids are between 4 1/2 and 5 years old - except her), I really see how her peers' views are affecting hers.

They actually tell her she can't play with certain toys or that her mommy's favorite color can't be blue. She even came home telling about how some of the boys teased another little boy for putting on dress from the costume box and that the teacher laughed and told him that dresses are for girls, not boys. (I spoke to the teacher and the Director about that one.) Six months ago, she never would have paid attention to what other kids thought of her. (And frankly, six months ago, none of her friends would've said things like this. I guess a lot changes between 3 1/2 and 4 1/2.)

My Mama Says Om "Blue" is the rebellion against Blue being for Boys. My favorite color is blue, my daughter loves Spiderman and my son (if I ever have one) will be able to paint his fingernails pink, put on a dress and dance the hula if that's what makes him happy.

becoming a mother is the best thing that could have ever happened to me

2006-03-22T14:14:00.000-05:00

This week, the theme on Mama Says Om is Foundation. I took the photo on the left specifically for the theme from 3 weeks ago which was Silly. My daughter's hysterical. I assume almost all 3 year olds are. And it struck me when I was considering a post for Foundation that it is her innate hijinx that keep me going.

Motherhood is hard. It's work. But can you imagine how much more difficult it would be if our little oh-how-they-drive-us-nuts darlings weren't such bundles of laughter. She has the ability to melt my heart with a single smile. When she tells me she lubs me or that I'm beautiful while her chubby warm hand gently pets my cheek, I have to physically choke back the tears.

Then there are the days when she just won't stop talking to me and demanding things of me while she's lying in bed making every effort not to fall asleep and my reflux is acting up and I can't bend over because my back is spasming and Milan is at practice and I'm exhausted from working overtime at a job I dislike very much because I'm trying to compensate for the additional $30 a week daycare costs for the summer and the fact that the company I work for hasn't given raises in 32 months and counting. And I yell or I speak harshly. Then I spend the next 3 and a half minutes calming down and guilting myself into depression until I go in and apologize for my erratic behavior.

"I'm sorry I yelled, baby. Mommy shouldn't yell. (she nods her head.) Does it make you sad and angry when Mommy yells?" (on the night we had this conversation, she actually started crying for Milan, her voice cracking through the tears - "Mi-i-i-i-laa-a-a-a-n" - so pathetic, so heartbreaking.)

"Yeah. I'm sad, mommy, dat's why I cryin."

We hug and kiss and inevitably, she reaches up with her chubby warm hand and gently pets my cheek while saying, "It's okay, though, mommy, cuz we lubs a'chother and we're the family."

My daughter is my silly.
My daughter is my foundation.

self portrait

2006-03-22T14:07:00.000-05:00

This is our Ikea computer desk. The reflective surface is a dry-erase board (and looking at Ikea's site, maybe magnetic as well?? awesome) that we have never once used. Maybe I'll write some dirty messages* on there while I still can. May as well have a bit of fun before the chipmunk can read.

*And yes, suggestions are welcome in comments. (or email, whatever blows your hair back.)

did you know

2006-03-16T15:19:00.000-05:00

that a pack of starburst has 4.5 grams of saturated fat?!
crazy.

guess I should've stopped after that second pack. Because c'mon, is it really a compliment to say,
"Wow, baby, you're ass is all jiggly, now!!" as you smack my ass with both hands when followed by, "It used to be all tight." even if you do make a lame attempt to cover it by adding, "I like it like this better!"

single parenthood - the part you don't prepare for

2006-03-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

I'm poor. Did you know I'm poor? Not just poor, but POOR. I can pay my bills week-to-week, month-to-month, ... mostly, but I only save a few hundred dollars per YEAR and am always late paying daycare.

Meet Henry. You see, when you're poor, he's all you can afford. When I first got Henry in November of 2003, he was replacing a 1991 Jetta and was a blessing. But I immediately started having problems and his $3300 price tag increased by $1000 to work out the kinks.

Since then, maintenance been pretty uneventful in our lives. The usual stuff, of course, oil changes, tires, tune-ups, etc... but last month, Henry's axel's started going. In the last 3 weeks, I have spent $1200 fixing him!! $1200 DOLLARS!! U.S. DOLLARS!! 1200 of them!

That's a lot, people. That's the equivalent of 12 weeks of state-aided daycare payments. That's 15 weeks of groceries, just under 2 months of rent, 7.5 mild winter months of oil... We won't even go into what portion of my salary that is, but let's just say that I barely earned in 3 weeks what it took to cover those 3 weeks worth of work.

The most depressing part of all of this, is that I had to use my tax refund to pay for it. (Obviously, because my income has to go to the paying (or not being able to pay) of bills.) I was saving that for a vacation. I guess that's not going to happen.

Milan is furious at me for having bad credit because he wants me to lease a new car. But, HELLO??, I don't have $200/mo. for that either!

Sigh...

I guess I'm just really upset that every moment of my life seems to re-affirm what a bad decision it was to become a single parent. I knew at the time that I was in over my head and I knew at the time that it would be hard... but I guess I just didn't clue into the fact that it was also going to completely suck.

babyisms

2006-03-16T11:33:00.000-05:00

This morning in the car on the way to daycare,

Micah: "Mommy, yesterday when Matthew pushed me down on the playground and I fell on the grass, I started singing."

Me: "SINGing??"

Micah: "yup"

Me: "Why did you sing, baby?"

Micah: "Because I lub him so much."

lullaby

2006-03-08T14:28:00.000-05:00

my daughter loves, loves, loves to sing. right now her 2 favorite songs are "listen to your heart" (the remake) and "tree tops" by eisley. when we're the car she requests both (which i have on cd) and we play them over and over. she usually doesn't keep up and is singing the lyrics just after the actual song, but boy does she belt them! she throws her head back and squints her eyes and everything! that girl is feeling what it's like to "grow wings and fly everywhere"!

so, last night, i'm watching american idol and she's suppose to be in bed but hasn't gotten on her "jamas" yet so she's watching it with me. she stands up on the couch and starts belting out these notes trying to keep up! it was hysterical!!

ps - i have 250 photos that need to be uploaded - hopefully, there's one of the little dance she does as well. if so, i'll post it.

babyisms

2006-02-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

1. Lately Micah has taken to saying to us, "I have a secret for you, gimme your ear." And then we lean in and she says, "I lub you." And sometimes we get, "I lub you da most, most, mostest." I never want it to end. (side note: when she first started doing this a few months ago, she would lean in and put her ear to my ear instead of her lips - so cute!)

2. She marries everything - I can't stand this but I don't tell her that and I have agreed to allow her to "buy me a pretty dress so I can marrying Milan". She offers to buy me this dress on a daily basis.

3. I also dislike when she says one thing (like pink or princesses) is exclusively for girls and another thing (such as blue or fire trucks) is for boys. Yesterday she told me that the boys in her class told her that blue can't be her mommy's (my) favorite color because it's a boy color. She said she told them they're wrong. Good girl.

4. She's biting her nails and peeing her pants nonstop and I feel like she will never outgrow either.

5. She is a completely different child at school and it's causing her to be twice as hyper at home. I feel as though she only expresses her true self at home. Oh, the guilt I feel from it...

6. Her hair still isn't growing but I'm taking her to get it cut Saturday because she has so many split ends. (It's been about 8 mos. since she had her last haircut - which was her first, by the way.) People balk when I tell them I'm paying for it and why don't I do it myself but it's so curly that I just don't know where to begin. Besides, I tried once and the little cricket just won't sit still for me.

7. Her favorite film is Nightmare Before Christmas and anything related to Disney Princess. She's also a sucker for Farscape , Spiderman and the "dancing Shrek". (side note: Micah has always loved to feel a little scared - she loves to be surprised and likes to watch things that scare her. We were watching Star Wars: Episode III, by far the scariest thing we've ever let her watch, and there were scenes when I told her she needed to cover her head with the blanket - we used to just distract her - because a scary scene was coming. So now she'll randomly tell us she needs to cover her eyes - even if it's not scary.)

8. She just recently began drawing faces such as eyes and nose and mouth on her drawings - so cute! She's also starting to stay within the lines when she colors.

9. Last night she ate about a pound of tofu and 15 broccoli stalks but she balks at eating corn. Strange kid. God I love her.

10. Milan and I are working on designing her a shirt that reads, "I'm still hungry" because we hear that phrase around 83 times a day and no matter what she eats, she is never full.

ETA: The haircut went really well. The stylist did a great job and Micah even got her hair washed first. This was, by far, her favorite part until at the end the stylist pulled out a spray bottle of glitter and Micah screeched, "Mommy! I'm gonna have a princess haircut!!"

20 Things

2006-02-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

I decided to participate in 20 Things over at Mama Says Om. I really enjoy that site and I went and read a lot of the blogs that had linked their 20 Things. I found it not only interesting, but inspiring as well. So, here are mine:

1. My hair is naturally auburn but has been dyed black, blonde, red, purple, blue, pink and green.
2. I once had tongue, labret and nipple piercings but now, since the birth of my daughter (when I had to take out the final piercing - nipple) I don't have any.
3. I have one tattoo and have been aching for years to expand it.
4. The only other person in my family with auburn hair is my daughter.
5. I grew up being told I was "different" as though it were an insult. It wasn't until I lived in Madrid in 2001 that I began to realize how special it makes me and what a wonderful thing it is.
6. I don't have many (any?) friends - probably because I'm so damned "different".
7. I think one of the most important lessons I can teach my child is empathy.
8. My first job was teaching gymnastics.
9. When I was 19 and 20, I held 3 jobs and worked from 7am - 11pm (sometimes as late as 2am) 6 days a week.
10. During that same time frame, I put myself into $5000 worth of credit debt that I'm still paying off.
11. I don't find single-parenthood challenging. For me, the challenging relationship is the one with my boyfriend.
12. I regret the middle name I chose for my daughter and the fact that I spelled it incorrectly on her birth certificate.
13. I yell a lot. a lot. too much.
14. I want to go back to school but am afraid. Not of the school part, but that I will be away from my daughter that much more every day.
15. I wish I could forgive my parents, especially my father.
16. I can't attend wakes - they skeeve me out.
17. I was grounded for 6 months because my SAT scores were not as high as was expected.
18. I am an avid participant in my activities - such as reading, writing, tv - you have to call my name loudly and repeatedly or even tap my shoulder to get my attention.
19. I absolutely love the fact that my daughter is the spitting image of me.
20. I hate my last name and can't wait to change it but plan on keeping it in my name and my daughter's as a symbol of all we have accomplished together.

vday flowers

2006-02-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

happy valentine's day

2006-02-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

wow - i just realized i started this blog a year ago. my how the time flies. my wonderful boyfriend sent me tulips and irises for v-day in a cool flat-bottomed vase. i will post a photo later today when the buds have opened a bit.

our first valentine's day together, in 2004, we went out to dinner at a nice, local restaurant. we had delicious lobster and wine. however, the restaurant had packed everyone in like sardines and as you scooted between your table and the one beside it to get to your seat, you had to be careful your ass didn't knock over their water glass. of course, with such close proximity you could hear the conversations of at least 3 other couples and then to add insult to injury, they sat a group of 6 behind us. this group got plastered and was so loud that as we were leaving, the manager was asking them to leave. apparently, almost every table had complained about them.

we vowed that was our last v-day dinner so today we are going out for sushi for lunch! i can't wait! a glass of plum wine and a dragon roll - yum!

Added: Umm... I guess maybe I'm not going on hiatus... go figure.

moving on...

2006-01-26T14:23:00.000-05:00

Back in October, I wrote about Micah not "clicking" with her new teacher. That's one word for it anyway. I was feeling very frustrated with the situation because the teacher CLEARLY did not like my child and if I could feel it, Micah could feel it. Micah began acting out. For the first time in the 3 years we've been in this center, I got a phone call at working regarding her bad behavior. She had become the class clown. In the afternoons when I would pick her up, I would ask this teacher, "So, how was she today?" In the two months that I put up with this poor excuse for a teacher, I got only 1 of 2 responses both coupled with a head tilt and shoulder shrug. They were either "Bad." - without explanation - or "Better..." - without explanation. She was also having mulitple accidents a day and one day the teacher told me that Micah had "peed on Miss A." She seriously told me this. What had actually happened is that Micah was wet and when the teacher picked her up, Micah told her she was wet.

Finally, just before Thanksgiving, I had had it with her (the teacher - Miss L.). I walked into the classroom and one little boy was marching around the room with a small pink purse in hand and as he passed another child, he would smack them in the head with the bag. I watched. and watched. and watched. and the teacher did nothing. Meanwhile, I'm searching in Micah's cubby for her glove. We have one - where is the other? So, I say to the teacher, "Have you seen Micah's glove?" "No..." And she starts helping me search the other cubbies. After a few minutes, I say, "Micah, do you know where your glove is?" "Umm... S. (a boy in her class) has it." "Are you sure?" "Mmm-hmm, S. has it. He wanted it." To which the teacher slams shut a cubby and says to her, "Micah! You have to tell me these things! (Insert audible sigh.)"

So, I pull Micah back by her shoulders, turn her around and look her in the eye and say - a little too loudly so that Miss L can hear me - "Don't worry, baby. It's not your responsiblity." and Micah smiles.

Meanwhile purse boy has continued smacking kids so I go and take his purse away and put it on the counter the teacher is leaning on. I tell the kid that it's not nice. Two minutes later, he takes back the purse, without a word from the teacher, and starts it up again. Some of the kids, by the way, are crying and fighting with the boy telling him to stop it.

Now, I sit down and start reading to Micah and before I know it, I have 5 kids in my lap. Guess who comes by and smacks one of the little girls with a purse? We finish the book. As I'm explaining that I'm not going to read it again, I watch one little girl push the other in the chest and girl 2 falls down backwards onto her bottom. I go to her and ruffle her hair and ask if she's alright. She says yes. She then brushes herself off and as she walks by girl 1, she shoves her right into the cubbies and they sway and rock and the girl says Ow. Still no response from the teacher. So we leave.

Next afternoon, I walk in and say hello to Micah, the class and the teacher. It's free play time and a bit chaotic as always. The room has absolutely no structure. This little girl, J, is banging 2 silver mixing bowls together. IT IS THE MOST ANNYOYING SOUND EVER!!!

So, the teacher who is about 15 feet away from her calls out, "J... Put the bowls away..." J keeps playing. BANG!BANG!BANG! (This little girl is ALWAYS in her own little world - she's the type of kid you have to make eye contact with for anything to stick. Now, if I as a parent can figure this out - surely her teacher - who is with her 40 hours a week or more - can figure this out.)

Teacher calls out a little louder, "J, put the bowls away." BANG!BANG!BANG! A bit louder - almost yelling - calls out again. J now hears and tries to pick them up but they are flipped over and she can't get her little fingers under the lid. BANG!BANG!BANG! Teacher yells, "J! Now!" Now at this point, J still hasn't registered that Miss L. is getting angry - she's been humming the whole time and hasn't missed a note. As she is walking them over to their designated spot (they hold the plastic play food in the shelf), they're still banging together (of course they are, they're metal bowls) BANG!BANG!BANG!

Now she's trying to stuff them into the shelf BANG!BANG!BA- when suddenly the teacher screams - J! - J literally jumps 2 feet in the air she's so startled and backs up until she hits the wall and is standing with her chin drooped to her chest. She stood there for a little while before she walked over to some other toys, with her chin still dropped. This teacher never once even looked in her direction except to yell. Never bothered to watch and see whether she listened, never even bothered to explain to J why she wasn't allowed to play with the bowls in the first place. (They are on the toy shelf afterall.) J doesn't consider them annoying, none of the children did. So, the next time J walks into that classroom she's going to think to herself, Hmm... I wonder what toys it is okay to play with? Why did Miss L. get mad at me? Is she still mad at me? etc... I was enraged.

I walked out (with Micah!) and went straight to the director and demanded that when we returned to school on Tuesday (after Thanksgiving) Micah be moved into the preschool room.

It's going really well! She's the youngest by far. All the other kids are 4, the last of whom turned 4 in early December and Micah won't be 4 until late June. But she's making work. And the director said that she's a different child. Quiet. Respectful. And she stopped having accidents the moment she switched rooms!** I'm amazed! Yeah for Micah! :)

**More on this but I'll save it for a later post.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Ordinary girl

2006-01-25T09:16:00.000-05:00

1. A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as ordinary girl!
2. When ordinary girl is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes!
3. Ordinary girl is often used in place of milk in food photography, because milk goes soggy more quickly than ordinary girl!
4. It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be ordinary girl!
5. Ordinary girl can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
6. Ordinary girl will often rub up against people to lay her scent and mark her territory.
7. It can take ordinary girl several days to move just through one tree!
8. The pupil of an octopus's eye is shaped like ordinary girl.
9. Ordinary girl has four noses.
10. Ordinary girl can turn her stomach inside out.

Thank you to wannabe hippie for the inspiration, yo.

the daily grind

2006-01-13T15:54:00.000-05:00

Each morning, when I get to work, I pour myself a cup of coffee. Usually, I make a fresh pot because I like it strong. Each morning, I work and work and never drink more than a sip or two from my cup.

a cleansing break from the depressing

2006-01-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

I thought this was cute so I decided to play along.

5 weird things about me:

1. I have this fixation with the number 8. I play around with the numbers on the clock (add, subtract, multiply, divide...) to arrange them to make 8 so that I can get out of bed. (not unlike that game 24 - except for the OCD part, of course.)

2. I can put both legs behind my head. oh, yeah... bow - chicka - bow - bow

3. I am constantly saying off-the-wall, random things to humor myself. HOWEVER, no one else ever finds them funny and I find myself explaining my "jokes" more often than not.

4. My gag reflex is so strong that taking even the smallest of pills (a coated advil or sudafed, for example) can still set it off and I often have to try several times and drink an entire glass of water to get a pill down.

5. I can't stand fingernails. On myself, that is. I admire long, beautifully painted nails on other women, but every time I try to grow mine out, they begin to irritate me and I clip them. EVERY. TIME.

Wanna play?

Photo

2005-12-30T14:14:00.000-05:00

This is Micah's "Aunt Favorite"; my cousin, Tracy, in August of this year. She had come back from the treatment center in Arizona where she'd been since May to enjoy the summer with her family. She was feeling better in August than she had been in at least 6 months and she asked me if I had ever thought she was going to die. I answered NO without hesitation. This was the turn-around we had been praying for.

Now, in hind sight, I'm sorry she spent so long in that treatment center. She was there instead of with her family from May to August. She was only home for 2 weeks before she went back. Then she came home just before Halloween and was home for 5 weeks trying to find a way to draw blood so that Envita (the treatment center) could make more antibodies for her. She was so weak that they couldn't just draw it. Finally, just before Thanksgiving, her husband found a way and she was rushed back to Arizona on November 29th. By December 4th, she was so weak that they had to hire Hospice to airlift her home.

My cousin had been fighting cancer since she was first diagnosed in May of 2000. In April, she had found a lump. It was the second lump she had found. The first was in the summer of 1998 and when the results came back, her doctors neglected to tell her that they had found signs of cancer in the other breast. It grew undetected for 2 years.

I think that's part of why I feel so cheated.

I'm hoping to scan in some healthy photos of her to post.

I miss you, Trace.

she's better off now

2005-12-21T11:12:00.000-05:00

Monday, December 19th, my cousin, my daughter's "Aunt Favorite", Tracy Ann passed away at 4:30 pm. She had been fighting to breathe for the past week. It's actually easier now on all of us. It was so difficult to watch this vibrant, beautiful woman suffer. She was frail, emaciated and pale.

My cousin was very devout in her religion and if her beliefs are right, then I know she is in Heaven right now watching us and looking after us. I also know she has brought new vibrancy to Heaven and there with her Aunt and Grandmother (who both also died of Breast Cancer) she is laughing and living it up.

She's better off now.

I will be posting more, including photos in the next few days and then I will be on hiatus.

October 31st, 2005 in our house

2005-11-03T13:25:00.000-05:00

our Halloween was fun. I came in fourth in our company's costume contest. (it was rigged I tell you - I lost to a table with lamp, a bull rider and paris hilton.)

of course, I don't have any photos of the munchkin, because I'm a sucky mommy like that.

Then, we took Micah (who was dressed as Ariel - I took film photos so they will come) trick-or-treating around my cousin's neighborhood. And as they do every year, even though they say they're going at 4 pm and that they'll wait for us - when we arrived at 5 minutes to 4 - they were already long gone. Nice, huh?

Anyway, so our first stop was my uncle's house which is right next to my cousin's house and I guess he needed to speak to someone because he blurts out, "Did Rich tell you?" "Tell me what?" "She (my cousin) has 6-8 weeks left."

just.like.that.

My cousin, who is so much more than just a cousin to me, she was my "husband" during my pregnancy, attending all the birthing classes with me, she's my sister, she's my friend, my confident, and she's dying. She's not yet 42 years old and she's dying. Most likely, before Christmas even.

She'll leave behind a husband and 3 kids ages 9, 11 and 12. I'm insane right now. With sadness and stress and anger... I'm also relieved, a bit. When I stopped by last week, she was sleeping throughout my visit. (She's bed-ridden, except that her husband carries her out to the couch each morning because that way she can still be a part of everything, and even talking exhausts her.) At one point, she woke up and said hello and told me not to bring Micah over because she was afraid that her pain would scare Micah. I didn't quite understand. But then she started moaning. And she asked for her pain medication. And then there was more moaning. And when I say moaning people, I'm talking screaming. Outloud. In pain. And no one flinched. Her husband gave her her pill and she was asleep within minutes. But that entire 3 minutes she was awake, she was literally screaming out in pain. And it must happen often because her kids didn't even notice. There was no break in their conversation, no sideward glances or empathetic, "It'll be alright, Mom"s. nothing. They're used to it. That, for me, was scary.

So, by next year, she'll probably have moved on to another place, another world and for the first time in about a year, she won't be in pain.

And I can't stop crying anyway.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2005-10-26T11:53:00.000-04:00

We moved into a new house the last weekend of August. That Monday, Micah moved into a new classroom at school. Two weeks later, both of her teachers quit. Then, she got a substitute lead teacher and a new assistant teacher. Within 3 days the assistant teacher quit. Then, the substitute trained a new lead teacher. Then, last week, the new lead teacher took over with yet another new assistant. Yesterday, the new assistant teacher quit (her last day is Friday) and the old assistant is coming back next Tuesday. This makes 7 teacher changes in one month. Compound that with the new house and 2 children in her classroom with high needs and Micah is a wreck. Suddenly, my kid is the one misbehaving, not listening and challenging authority.

The director thinks (and I agree) that Micah doesn't respect the new lead teacher because she is not authoritative enough, not strong enough. Frankly, Micah just steamrolls right over her. She also says that she thinks Micah is bored with the curriculum. With this I also agree, however, right now there really isn't any curriculum going on in that classroom. It's just constant chaos. There's no structure, no time set aside for learning and stations. There are just 2 "circle times" thrown into a day of free time.

The director is considering moving Micah up to the preschool room. The kids are between 6 months to a year older than Micah and only 1 child's name is familiar to me. I'm not sure what to do. The preschool teacher is very structured and I think she would be a good match for Micah because she wouldn't put up with her crap nor favor her for being cute or something.

Last night, we took Micah to the pediatrician because she's developed a facial tic. She's sporatically blinking her eyes. (No other children in her class do this so she didn't pick it up anywhere.) The Dr. told me she'd never seen a tic on a child under 5 before and that it could be a sign of strep throat instead. I can't believe I'm actually HOPING my kid as strep. She also said that if it is a tic, that they usually only last up to three months but that I should bring her in if she's still has it in 4 weeks.

The stress I'm feeling is eating me away from the inside out. I can't help but blame myself for a lot of what Micah is going through.

**UPDATE** Micah has strep throat! YEAH! This means that most likely the tic is from the strep and not the stress! YEAH! Everyone pop in your favorite dance song and let's boogie!!

recipe for braips

2005-10-25T12:07:00.000-04:00

Ingredients:
1 toddler
1 long-sleeved shirt
1 big fat toddler belly
1 toddler belly button (an outie preferably)
1 night time ritual of running around naked while changing into pajamas

First, toddler pulls her arms out of the sleeves.
Next, the shirt is pulled over the head. Be sure to stop just above the hairline so that the neck of the shirt creates a crown on the toddler's head.
The toddler can now adjust the sleeves so that each one swoops a shoulder.
Then, the toddler removes her pants and underwear.

Fianlly, the toddler is ready to run around the house naked showing everyone her "braips" (braids). Be sure to bezerp the belly button after each lap.

Fun for all!

damn that disney

2005-10-09T10:45:00.000-04:00

sometimes, a soundtrack of life plays in my head. certain events will trigger certain songs. well, today we (finally) got our cable, phone and internet installed. we've gone over a month without and i was experiencing extreme withdrawal. i was *this close* to hawking a piece of jewelry for 5 minutes of wi-fi.

now, you'd think hallelujah or something similar would be playing, but it's not. no, instead i hear, "hail the conquering hero"... strange.

guess i've seen aladdin one too many times.

reason #1 to have a blog

2005-10-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

well, i say if you can't embarrass the hell out of your boyfrined over the internet, then why even have a blog?

sunday, we went pumpkin picking. we had a blast. micah had a lot of fun trodding through the pumpkin patch with us looking for the perfect pumpkins. for 20 bucks, you could fill a sack full of pumpkins rather than pay per pound. so, we bought a sack and headed off.

early on, i said to milan, you know, it's really going to suck carrying that sack in a half hour or so; are you sure you'll be alright? to which, he pointed out that we unprepared idiots had no other choice. we were gathering pumpkins for our halloween party where we want to have a carving contest.

we stuffed 6 large pumpkins in that sucker and i carried 3 more small ones. milan was having a lot of trouble though lifting what must have been a 50 - 60 lb. bag. he finally tried to carry it on his back like a cape but immediately yelped out in pain.

i pulled something, he whined. (he's much more manly in his version of the story.) so, i said, just give me the damn thing. we traded and i threw the bag up on my shoulders and walked the 1/2 mile or so back to the cash register. (in his version, i gave him no chioce but to let me do it.)

i've been teasing him nonstop ever since. my little girly-man. what would he do without a butch girlfriend?

um... not sure where this going...

2005-09-22T16:39:00.000-04:00

for whoever's interested - i haven't had a computer (or internet) at home for 3 weeks now! i'm dying! that's why my posts are sporatic and for me, i feel like they're incomplete. bare with me.

anyway, ever have those conversations where people say to you "well, that sure is interesting" with this look in their eyes lke you are absolutely insane?

well, i just did and frankly, i get that a lot. wtf is wrong with me and what i say? luckily, i don't really care whether people think i'm weird, because so what. most people are "weird". i like being a "freak" - i think it just means i'm an individual, that i'm myself.

what i will say though, is that it makes it hard to make friends. and lately at work, that's been bothering me.

i don't think this is headed anywhere so i'll just stop. don't you hate when you read something that doesn't even have a point?

mountain or molehill? you decide.

2005-09-17T09:10:00.000-04:00

for me, honesty is the most essential factor in a committed relationship. the number of partners who cheat on each other and hide entire facets of their lives from each other is astronimical. that lifestyle wouldn't work for me.

last night was my boss' 50th birthday and her family through her a surprise party. they really pulled out all the stops! i thought the date was thursday, sept. 22nd but luckily, yesterday, a woman at worked asked me what the dress i was wearing to the party looked like. i told her that i was going to buy it saturday (today) and she told me (to my horror) that the party was actually that night (last night).

so, i raced to find a sitter and a dress (never did - had to wear an old one) and of course, a gift. then, i called milan, to apologize and inform him that he would not be relaxing friday night. he called me back 3 times yesterday trying to get out of going until i began crying. finally, he agreed to go but was clearly loathing it.

at the party, about 2 hours into it, i got up to dance. sometime during the first song, i noticed milan was no longer in his seat. 3 songs later, i went back to the table to find him still missing. 10 minutes go by and i'm thinking, what, did he fall in?? (the toilet) so, i get up to go looking and notice him walking up to a friend of mine outside. now, before your mind goes crazy, no, he wasn't sneaking out to hook up with anyone.

i tell him i was looking for him, he says really? and that's it. another hour later we say our goodbyes. as we're heading out, he says, oh, i pulled the car up closer to the door. great. thanks.

then, this morning, i get in his car to come to work and find a brand new pack of cigarettes hidden (poorly) underneath the driver's seat. (probably wouldn't have even seen it if i didn't lose my flip-flop climbing in.) so, he had snuck out unbeknownst to me to go buy some stupid cigarettes and didn't even bother to tell me. not even when i asked him where he'd been all that time.

i get that this isn't the end of the world. but honesty and trust are important to me and i feel like if you can lie about the little things, why not the big ones, too?

i'm hurt. i'll get over it. but in this moment?

i'm hurt.

loving our kids is only half the battle

2005-09-15T17:12:00.000-04:00

My 3-year-old is officially experiencing stress.

Yes, 3 years old! 3 weeks ago, we moved. Her school remained the same as did our schedule, but still, new house, new bigger bed and suddenly she's scared of the monsters that will come through her window fan if I leave it on.

Last month, her class moved into a new classroom (with the same teachers) and then on Sept. 6th, new kids joined the mix, one of whom is 8 mos. too young, barely speaks, bites, hits and wears diapers. Then, last Friday, the assitanat teacher in her classroom quit. This past weekend, I notice signs of regression in Micah. Super-whiney, pointing and crying rather than telling me what she wants, accidents and just more apt to tears.

Then, Tuesday, her main teacher just leaves. Smack in the middle of the day. Just leaves. The director said, "Her personal life came into the classroom and she just left on the spot." I'm thinking 2 things - 1. how could you leave 15 3-yr-olds who love you dearly?? 2. it better have been a major emergency for you to leave in the middle of the day and not tell us parents why.

Well, last night I found out why - I was speaking with the director regarding my concerns in the classroom (and the fact that Micah's behavior just BOTTOMED OUT Tuesday night) and she, the director, was getting defensive because everyone was blaming her so she blurts out, "She left because she was sleeping with a parent!!!"

Holy.Shit.

This girl (who by the way has the same name as me which is just weird) - had better hope she does not see me in public b/c she will go down!!!

My mother bear self is enraged! Turns out the parents of a little boy in Micah's class are in the process of getting a divorce. The soon-to-be-ex wife of this sleezoid guy found out about the affair and confronted the teacher in the classroom (yeah, cuz that's appropriate) and the teacher was so ashamed from the confrontation that she just left.

sigh...

walk this way

2005-09-07T13:18:00.000-04:00

Breast Cancer is a disease that hits very close to home for me. My Aunt is a survivor, her mother and two of her sisters were not.

Currently, my cousin, to whom I am closer than my own sister, is battling breast cancer. It has metastasized into her bones and her brain. They'd given her months to live when she left for Envita and because of their care, she is now stronger and healthier and not so close to living on borrowed time.

It is for her that I am participating in a Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk next month. She and I both would appreciate anyone who can visit my webpage and make a donation.

Please help me reach my $1000 goal!!

Thank you everyone!

road rage

2005-08-31T15:02:00.000-04:00

Last night, on my commute home, I was cut off by this guy whose bumper sticker read:
"I am self-seving and enjoy cutting you off and then slamming on the brakes only to get back into my original lane 500ft down the road. Who cares about the condition of my tires or the fact that gas has jumped to $3.19/gallon, as long as I'm first off the line when the light turns green? And if you happen to be in front of me and you don't stomp on the gas 2 seconds before it changes in anticipation, I will blare my horn until your ears bleed. Because after all, I'm the only person who matters and I am always right."

What, you don't believe me? Look, I took a picture of it:

By the way, I just waited in line for 20 minutes to get gas at $2.79!

What the hell is this?? 1973??

cry babies

2005-08-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

well, we did it.

we spent all weekend moving and I took off yesterday and finished it up all by myself. i'm such a big girl. i got the kitchen organized which is always a top priority for me so that i can feel sane.

it was all going well until i locked myself out of the "new house" in the 90 degree mugginess. milan finally showed up 1/2 hour later (i had to walk down to the bank to call since my cell phone was locked inside and i never did get a hold of him.) and let me into my car. it worked out though because at least i was forced to stay in the old house and pack every last little item.

so this morning, milan is all whiney when he wakes up. i'm sick, blah, blah, blah. felt his head, took his temp - 100 - not too bad. needless to say, he stayed home from work.

at lunchtime i offered to come home and take him to the dr. because he'd been whining at me all morning. "my body's so achey... i'm so hot... i can't even watch tv" blah, blah, whatever.

i felt like i was on that episode of everybody loves raymond (takes places here in long island by the way) where some guy sneezes on ray at the airport and he says, "you know how you feel the day before you get sick, well, i feel like this is the day before that." and his wife rolls his eyes and gives him hell for not helping out.

well, do you know how that episode ends - just like this - turns out milan had a temp of 103 and has an ear infection and strep throat. and the wife says, "fine, get back in bed."

and i'm so heartless that all i can think is, you better not get that baby sick!

yeah, time to party!!

2005-08-25T15:52:00.000-04:00

we're moving this weekend. we're moving all of 1 mile away to a house owned by my previous landlord (before milan and i moved in together last year) and 2 doors down from milan's ex-girlfriend (who took over my old place). that's a story for another day!

we just moved 11 mos. ago but this landlord we have now is such a bastard (STILL hasn't fixed that leak in the roof. we told him about in jan. and in april he brought piles of roofing shingles and materials by and stored them in our garage promising to do it as soon as it warmed up a bit.) that we feel we just must leave and besides, my old landlord contacted me that this property was coming up for rent so we jumped on it.

work done so far to the new house - by landlord: a new roof , stripped the bathroom ceiling (still working on), replaced the kitchen sink (still working on), replaced the hardware in the tub (still working on), cleared the back yard of its poison ivy

work done - by us: scrubbed the HELL out of it, replaced the light fixture and the cabinets and towel rods in bathroom, painted every single room since they obviously hadn't been painted in the last decade, ripped up the carpet in the baby's room and revarnished the hardwood floor beneath, put together all her furniture and an entertainment center and just for the record we have not been reimbursed for the cost of all this work - and won't be - not one penny.

work still to be done: replace front porch, replace side screen door, fix closets in both bedrooms, replace a lot of the trim (it's missing), replace the board to the attic, tear down decrepit playground so baby doesn't die of mulitple splinter injury, change kitchen outlets to gfci and re-varnish the floor in the computer room.

and people, this is the BETTER of the two houses and ALL of the work I just listed was promised us by the landlord before we signed the contract.

guilt

2005-08-06T11:42:00.000-04:00

i was speaking with a family member yesterday about my cousin. my cousin has, in many ways, been VERY good to me and yet often times is not at all good to me.

but my family member and i were talking about how when she's mean to us, we feel like we don't have the right to complain or speak up or be hurt because let's face it; we're healthy and she's not. it's as though being sick (chronically ill, deathbed ill) has warranted her to behave however she wants. it's not that her behavior has really changed, but i now feel powerless to defend afainst it.

before, when she would insult or belittle me or my daughter, i would speak up or maybe i would just go home and keep some distance for awhile. but how can i do that now? that would be so selfish!

i feel torn. torn between doing what's best for me and my daughter and spending what time i left with someone i love. unfortunately, the two do not often link up.

why i didn't get my license until i was almost 19

2005-08-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

i was reading crazy us recently (link to the side - i'm tired) and beth has been writing of loss and grieving. one thing in particular that she wrote hit home with me. "They had every right to grieve. It was Survivors Guilt/The I-didn't-know-anyone-who-died issue."

the evening before my sixteenth birthday, 2 friends of mine were killed in a car accident. i received the call around 12:18 am on my birthday. the next day, i decided to go to school because i wanted to see my friends and grieve with them. many of them didn't know until the announcement which came with the morning bell. we were all free to pretty much roam that day and the next (thursday and friday) even though classes were held.

thursday, we left school at lunch and never came back. my friends spent the afternoon smoking pot while i watched because i wasn't interested in drugs in highschool.

friday afternoon, i went to the counselor's office where they were offering support. i asked them if they would take me to see my friend kat and take her out of class so that i could speak with her. we went to her class and asked that she be excused. the moment she came over the threshold of the doorway i burst into tears (for the first time - the first real cry, that is) and she grabbed me, holding me tight as she also burst into tears. "i'm sorry, i said, i haven't been able to cry until now." "me either", she whipered and we weeped and weeped for must have been 10 minutes until the counselor urged us to come back to her office for privacy.

back in the office, after we'd calmed down, we went into the main room where there were other students grieving. one of them was katie phillips. she was (is) 2 years younger than me and in my sister's class. i barely knew her, i had no opinion of her. she was speaking about how the loss of nate cox and beth powers was affecting her when i asked which person she knew. (nate was a senior and beth a sophmore so not many people knew them both. i was a junior.) she said she knew beth. "oh, how did you know her?" "she rode my bus home one day with a friend of hers?" "that's it?" and i flipped on her - i screamed and yelled. how dare you grieve for my friend when you didn't even know her??!!? i was so worked up that kat had to escort me out of the office. immediately.

i knew shortly after how wrong i was - that she was experiencing what beth calls Survivor Guilt but at the time - at 16 - i didn't care. i felt cheated as someone who suffered what i considered to be a real loss that this other little girl had the audacity to think she deserved a piece of it.

3 days ago, a childhood friend died of a diabetes-related incident. her name was shannon traynham (the link is for her stepmother, it's the only thing i could find). she was my neighbor. meaning that we spent every moment of every day together for about 7 or 8 years. we lived in a neighborhood without kids so she was pretty much our (my sister and my) only playmate. shannon was strong, smart, beautiful and a talented artist.

she ran away when she was a senior in highschool to go live with her mom. (her dad and stepmom are the ones who live across from my parents.) 2 days after she arrived in FL, her mom up and moved to kentucky with their new family. (i think it was kentucky - whatever the case, it wasn't nearby.) this left shannon alone save for an aunt she barely new.

for me, this was the death of her. i put her out of my mind, out of my memories. the saddest part for me right now is that she has an 8-yr-old child - a son, i think. regardless of whether she was a good mother (i have my doubts), he will miss her dreadfully. i'm feeling guilty right now for not being sadder, but then i found out maybe 12 minutes ago, so maybe it just hasn't hit yet.

meme?

2005-07-28T11:04:00.000-04:00

i don't really like meme's but i liked this one so i ripped it off of so anyway...

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER: War of the Worlds. I wanted so badly to boycott Tom Cruise, but I'm weak and it was gooooood.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? The Best American Short Stories 2004 (...still), The Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers and Yummy, Yucky

3. WHAT WERE YOU DOING JUST MINUTES AGO? cleaning poop out of micah's Dora underwear.

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? NY Times Magazine, People and Bon Appetite

5. FAVORITE SMELLS? micah, but especially after a bath. i also love everything associated with the ocean. i love the way micah smells with banana boat smoothed over her (it smells like coconut) and coated in sand and salt water!

6. FAVORITE FOODS? SUSHI, fish tacos, scallops, clams on the half shell, chocolate, grape tomatoes and mangoes

7. FAVORITE SOUNDS? the white noise of a fan, waves (of course), when someone i love speaks my name, my full name, not a nickname.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? i hate feeling lonely

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? micah

10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? char-grill

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? mateo but milan says hell no

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY..." i would move back to spain and travel all over the world

13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST? oh, yeah, i'm guilty of a lead foot

14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? i used to sleep with emerson, a stuffed bear i've had since i was 15, but since milan moved in, he sleeps with micah

15. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY? i love storms - in fact, add that to my favorite sounds and smells

16. DESCRIBE YOUR FIRST CAR? it was a red 1991 pontiac grand am i bought for $2500 and i will NEVER buy american again

17. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? coffee. alcoholic? a dirty, gin martini

18. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD": write more. much more. and read more.

19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? yes. when i was a kid i would only eat the stems, not the florets.

20. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE? if i "could" dye my hair? that's a funny question - anyone can dye their hair... i've been black, blue, purple, blonde, pink, vampire red and am naturally auburn - right now i'm enjoying au naturale but have been wanting blonde streaks...

21. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN: san jose CA, raleigh, greensboro and wilmington in NC, lake grove, centereach, nesconset all in Long Island, NY and madrid, spain

22. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? gymnastics, nfl football (not college) and acc basketball

23. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU... no one sent this to me, i took it from eden - she seems to me to be her own person, true to who she is and no excuses. that's the characteristic i respect most in people.

24. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? one true thing posters, lots of duffle bags and dust bunnies,

25. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWEL-OVER OR UNDER? under, definitely, so much easier to unroll and tear off

26 MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL? night owl - i've only been able to get up in the mornings since i got pregnant and it's NEVER by choice.

27. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP? over medium, since you ask.

28. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX! on the beach!

29. FAVORITE PIE? apple. not a pie fan, i prefer cake.

30. OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WILL SEE THIS WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO DUPLICATE: no one reads my blog.

31. LEAST LIKELY? see #30.

micah's birthday

2005-06-23T23:06:00.000-04:00

today is my daughter's third bithday. i can't believe she's such a big girl. and i can't believe i'm so tired.

give the photo a click for some flickr fun.

on the outside looking in

2005-06-16T22:05:00.000-04:00

have you ever watched a show or movie and really related to a character but known that as the "audience" you're supposed to be relating to the other character?

just now i was watching a rerun of er (they're impossible to miss after all) and these 2 girls are roommates. one couldn't sleep and she was up well before her alarm just staring at different things in her bedroom until it went off at 7 am. she goes out into the main area of the apartment and her roommate is standing there doing the dishes. now as an insomniac, i know this chick must be cranky. roommate says hi, how'd you sleep? better than last night night? blah, blah, blah and she's only getting 1 word answers but she keeps going. should i make you breakfast? i could blah, blah, blah... and i think as the audience, we're supposed to sympathize with both. one is cranky and the other is being so nice and considerate so really it shouldn't annoy the cranky one but within minutes the cranky one has declared that she needs her space and asks the nice friend to start looking for her own place.

i can't live with ANYONE. even my daughter gets on my nerves. she never stops talking. just stop talking. now. stop it. before my brain impoldes. i'll tell her, honey, mommy can't listen anymore. mommy's ears are tired and my brain hurts. why, mommy? you ears hurt? my ears hurt too, mommy. they got boo-boos. can i have a bandain (bandaid) for dem?

but roommates, aargghh... my oldest friend - since we were six actually - and i lived together for one year and after the day i moved out, we didn't speak for two years. in fact, it was my pregnancy that brought us back together.

my boyfriend. ugh. i could list so many things, so i won't.

i just need a lot of space and i tire of people so easily. in fact, to date, i can think of ONE person i never tired of. my friend becca. i called her qua (as in ray-bec-qua) and she called me juice. i could hang out with her nonstop for weeks and she the same and it never got old and we never fought and we never needed our own space. the other cool thing is that in many friendships there's a leader and a follower but we never did that. one day one of would sort of take charge and another day the other would. we were so equal.

we actually knew each other for YEARS before even speaking to each other because we were sure we would hate one another. the moment we actually *met* - that was it. we would just hang out, you know. i'd write, she'd draw or paint. we'd smoke cigarettes and laugh and laugh. i knew her only 2 days when she came with me to get my nipple pierced. that is a PERSONAL experience people! and what did she do? she offered to take off her shirt too so that i'd feel more comfortable. i said sure and before i knew it the girl was topless. she'd taken off her bra, too. that's friendship, people.

but then i moved to spain and then new york and then spain again and then back to new york for good and sometime last year, we just completely lost touch and now her phone number belongs to someone else. and i yearn for a relationship like that again.

i loved becca. i think i always will.

of pet peeves and confessions

2005-06-15T14:50:00.000-04:00

ordinary boy and i were walking into circuit city this past weekend when he says to me (in a very serious tone) - i have a confession to make. wiggly lines, wiggly lines, wiggly lines - enter my thoughts -

1. we had both just been complaining about people who park at the curb instead of in a spot. this particular person was in a mini-van and had parked right in front of the ramp for wheelchairs and shopping carts in front of trader joe's. (just after i glared at the driver, a tj's associate came out and told him to move.) so i'm thinking, what you parked your environmentally unfriendly but oh so lovely and luxurious big ass suv by a curb or something - so what? my soapboxes aren't THAT big!

2. well, he didn't cheat on me... i mean, you don't tell someone you're cheating while walking into a circuit city on a sunday afternoon...

3. ?????????????????????????

so, finally, i've convinced him to just spit it the fuck out! it's been 5 minutes or so by now. so he says, "this young girl just walked by and she wasn't wearing a bra and you could see her nipples, and her tits were large and they were bouncing about but in a good way and i just stared and stared!"

take the to a catholic priest, young man, because unless she's still standing next to us and i can partake of her beautiful breasts as well, i don't give a shit!

ps - lucky me though that i'm with a guy who thinks this deserves an inner guilt trip and a public confession! and lucky him i'm a sex fiend and not at all jealous of strangers.

5 questions

2005-06-13T21:34:00.000-04:00

the questions for eden

1. how were you introduced to paganism/witchcraft? (& excuse my naivete if the way I worded that was in any way offensive)

2. what are your favorite and least favorite genres to read? to write? and why, of course?

3. okay - i have to ask ONE mother question (but it's a 2-parter, i'm such a cheat.) are you the only adopted child and at what age did you begin to notice her bipolar behavior and at what age did you begin to understand "bipolar"?

4. what's baby z's full name and how did you two come up with it?

5. this one i ripped from other people's interviews but i love the question and i think you'll have a creative answer for it. you are a superhero. choose 3 superpowers, a costume and a theme song.

HAVE FUN!!

party time

2005-06-11T19:31:00.000-04:00

micah went to her friend meghan's (yes it does get confusing) third birthday party today and had a blast! she had an ice pop and candy from the pinata and then this ginormous lollipop!

good times, people, good times.

my skeleton

2005-06-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

so i have bad credit.

gasp! the horror!

no, really, i do though. seriously bad. i can't even get a cell phone on my own, bad. milan wants me to fix it so desperately that he throws it into every.single. conversation.

this morning, he sent me this email at work:

"I was just thinking- you said you wanted to go back to school some day -
well the first step is to get your credit fixed cause you will have to take
out a student loan --- jackass"

and he's been known to say things like, "wow, that's a nice house. you know, you should really fix your credit so you can get a house someday."

or "mmm... bagels. have you fixed your credit yet?"

or "can you give micah a bath? and don't forget to fix your credit!"

all grown up

2005-06-10T14:54:00.000-04:00

i wet my daughter's hair and forced it into pigtails this morning. i couldn't believe it worked!!

she'll be 3 in 2 weeks, certainly we're ready for a hair-do, right? of course, by the time we got out the door (less than 5 minutes later), her hair had already started curling out of the pigtails...

milan is cracking up. he thinks she looks even more like me now. hmm... why is that funny??

5 questions, answered

2005-06-09T15:16:00.000-04:00

rachel over at wilder days was so kind as to include me in this meme of sorts. the idea is someone asks you five questions and you post the answers on your blog then do the same for 5 people who comment on your blog asking to be interviewed.

okay, on to the questions:

1. you try out for the amazing race. who's on your team with you? why?

my sister, katie. we need a "bonding experience" because we're not as close as i'd like, she's tough as nails and we're polar opposites which in TAR is a good thing because whatever i couldn't handle, she could and vice-versa.

2. if you had a chance to buy a house, what would you absolutely have to have for it to be your dream house?

my "dream" house would be on the side of a mountain in the south of spain near marbella overlooking the water. i even have the spot all picked out. but a small luxury i'd like in the house i buy would be a large yard (more than an acre) with a wooded area.

3. does your family know about your blog? why or why not?

i have 2 blogs. micah luki and this one. i started micah luki as a way for my family to read about my daughter and also as a sort of e-baby book for her so as i got more hooked on blogging i decided i wanted my own space. i don't tell them about this blog because i don't feel like i can be myself with my family.

4. recommend one blog to me that's not on my current reading list. why do you read it?

i recommend 63 days to everyone. it's a MUST READ. such an eye opener. but one of my faves is so anyway ... i found it by pressing the blogger next blog button soon after i created my first blog and i just find her to be so interesting. she's also funny as hell!

5. do you want/plan to have more children? what about being a parent has surprised you?

i'm not planning on any kids right now. think i'll get married first this time! :) but i would definitely love to have 3 or 4 more. i want a BIG family. what surprised me about becoming a parent has been my capacity to love and be loved unconditionally and how easy and natural it is.

so, there you have it. if anyone would like me to interview them, please leave a comment!

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

i usually only write phone numbers on the back of envelopes

2005-06-02T12:43:00.000-04:00

milan always leaves things out. many of them inappropriate for micah. such as coins, gum, candy, medicine, etc... this is an actual letter i wrote him one night (he was at practice and wouldn't be home until 1 or 2 am) when i came home to find micah sucking on a Ricola throat lozenge while holding 2 loose advil in her hand.

hee - hee. i was dead serious too until i wrote the last part. that made me laugh so i added an arrow and wrote "love, meg" on the other side.

marcus could learn a thing or two from this swan*

2005-05-29T18:58:00.000-04:00

we took a trip to the duck pond today.** there were ducks, geese, swans and seagulls. swans are incredibly fierce and protective animals and today there were 2 adult swans and 5 or 6 cignets (one of which had a birth defect and one of its legs was located on top of its back - it only had 2 legs though).

anyway, we were tossing bread to them all the while micah giving the play-by-play. "here, daddy ducky, here's you bread." "look, mommy, he's eatin it." blah, blah, blah, on and on forever...

at one point, even though i hate the vile creatures, i tossed a few pieces directly to a seagull. but as he went to eat it, a swan shot him a look of death and the seagull flew off leaving the bread for the male swan.

about 5 minutes later, we hear this freakish scream-like bird call and look up to see the male swan, wings out wide and flapping, tearing through the water toward the 3 seagulls about 20 feet away. he was on top of them instantly, whapping one of them with his wings and pecking it. lo and behold, as the swan backed away, we could see the body of one of the seagulls overturned in the water.

okay... time to go...

* the title is a reference (and a link) to "about a boy" when the young boy, marcus, throws the entire loaf of bread his mother made at a duck and killed it.

**and of course, i forgot my camera. would have loved to get a shot of that swan. "today, on the nature channel, when animals attack. duhn-dunh-DUHN"

to attend or no to attend

2005-05-09T13:51:00.000-04:00

i was not aware of the "mommy wars" until i began reading blogs. or i guess i should say that i was not aware of the term, anyway. one big topic of the m.w. is whether to send one's child to activities and how much and how often and at what age.

micah was in gymnastics. we went every saturday morning from september through april for an hour. some mommies think it's ridiculous to send a 2-year-old to an activity - others have been sending their children since infancy.

for me, it was less a choice of which type of mommy do i want to be and more of a "oh, my god, i have to get this hyperactive child into an activity where she can go nuts in an enviornment that facilitates it because if she climbs up on the gas stove to reach the vitamins in the cabinet above one more time...". micah doesn't stop moving. ever. as in never. ever.

she absolutely loves gymnastics. she talks about it all week long and this past saturday was the first weekend without it. she had a fit. but i just can't afford it any longer so she'll have to deal with the park or something. gymnastics was a good bonding time for us as well. anyway, here's a photo from her final class 2 weeks ago. and another photo of micah being... well, micah.

micah... or tigger?

she's laying on top of milan, telling me to be quiet so that i don't wake him.

AUNTIE ORDINARY!!

2005-05-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

my sister-in-law and my brother just had their first baby - a son - NICHOLAS! he was born may 5th at 9:55 am and is 6 lbs 11oz and 20" long. yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've never known 2 people more ready to be great parents!

an hour old and he's ready to party!!

first time - part 2

2005-04-28T22:17:00.000-04:00

so, i went upstairs and put my bags down in my room. then, i walked the long way around into the kitchen in order to avoid my mom & sister who were watching tv. i made myself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the kitchen table. i'd eaten maybe 2 or 3 bites when my mother came storming in, ripped the bowl away and threw (yes, threw) the bowl into the sink. "how dare you fix yourself food in my house?! get the fuck out of here!" ............................ "now!"

so, i ran into my room crying and called my friend, nicki, and told her what was going on. she said that if i wanted, her brother graham would come get me. just as she spoke those wonderful words, my father came into my room and told me to get my ass downstairs so he and my mother could speak to me in private.

downstairs they explained the whole, "if you can't live by my rules, then you can't live in my house" thing only there was more. my father typed up a set of rules and guidelines. (i still have it although it's in a box in the garage.) it said that i would have to live downstairs that my room was being turned into a computer room for "the family" to use. it laid out rule after rule as to how i was not allowed in the same room as "the family". the downstairs bathroom was also a laundry room and the guidelines went so far as to say that if "the family" needed to do laundry, then my shower, toilet, sink needs would have to wait. i would be scheduled time to go to the kitchen and prepare food to bring downstairs to eat. i would be allotted time to hand wash my previous meal's dishes at that time. on and on it went. one of the kickers, for me, was that we had a dot matrix printer at the time and this was printed on a laser printer. my father must have created this at work. that shocked me.

i said i refused to live with you assholes if i'm not even a member of "the family". i mean, really, who would put up with this crap if they weren't even family??

so, i packed 3 duffle bags in about 10 minutes flat. then i walked 2 and a half miles until i saw graham's car approaching and flagged it down. it was about 9:30 pm.

here's the thing - i graduated highschool with a 3.3 living in various friends' houses out of my suitcase. i never got in trouble. i held my job coaching gymnastics and cheerleading. (by the way, my mother worked at the same place and we never even spoke.) i didn't drink or do drugs. i obeyed all the rules of the houses i was staying in. i smoked cigarettes but my parents didn't know that yet. i was the good kid. i was just rude and disrespectful to my parents.

i remember one night shortly before i left when my father was drunk and out of control, i said to him crying and shaking, "so what? so you're intimidating me? i know you could kick my ass. i know it will hurt. i'm scared shitless of you right now. but is that really what you want? for your own daughter to fear you? i want more for my kids. i won't be a drunken, abusive mess like you." let's just say it didn't go over well.

and my mom never stood up for us. i remember one night. one night out of the hundreds... she was screaming, "don't you hurt my kids!" but she was screaming it from another room! she wasn't interfering or helping. and that was the night my father, in his drunken rage, slipped on the bathroom mat as he reached for me. he slammed me into the counter which literally cut a chunk out of my side and knocked the wind out of me. i couldn't breathe and was barely conscious when he tossed me into our room. my sister, who had darted under his grasp and managed to get shoved into our room where she rolled and jumped up into bed, was already faking sleep and wouldn't speak to me all night. iwas about 9, my sister 7. anyway, i never respected her because she didn't protect us. she was a coward, as scared of him as we were.

the first time

2005-04-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

this is my third attempt at this post. in the other 2 i kept going off on tangents and telling too much back story. (i saved them, btw.) i'm really just trying to focus on the leaving part, not the reasons why.

i do have to start by saying my father's an alcoholic. excuse me, what i mean is he "had a drinking problem once but that was a long time ago and it only lasted a short while." and the sibling rivalry between my sister and i runs deep. she's a year and a half younger than me. as adults, we now kid about how she's the favorite, but it wasn't funny when i was growing up. i know now what guilt she has always felt from that. she doesn't understand why she's the favorite either.

my entire senior year, a friend of mine who lived a couple miles away would pick me up to go to school (my parents wouldn't let me get my license much less a car) while every morning my mother drove my sister. if my friend wasn't going to school, i would either call another friend to pick me up or take the bus. i never once rode with my mother and sister. also, i was kicked out or i moved out a total of 3 times. so, technically there are 3 stories. this story is about the first time.

i was 17, a senior in highschool. it was january, 1996. my mom wanted me to go to a few of my teachers to get a "progress report" from them b/c my grades were slipping. i kept forgetting. finally, after about a week of my forgetting, she sarcastically told me, "fine. if you can't be responsible enough to do a simple thing such as getting these notes, then i guess i'll have to take care of it for you." i replied, "fine. you do it." she replied, "fine, i will." that was a wednesday night.

friday night, she called to check in from the barn. (she and my sister each had a horse and thus lived at the barn. our family was often split mom & sister/dad & i.) i told her i was going out with two of my friends (who she knew well) and would be back at 11:30pm (because the previous saturday night, i arrived 6 minutes past my 12:00 curfew and they would take off 5 minutes from the next night for each minute i was late) and that i'd cleared it with dad.

mom: "but you didn't get the notes."
me: "you said i was too irresponsible and that you'd handle it."
mom: "well, i didn't mean it."
me: "okay, i'll get them monday."
mom: "...and you won't go out tonight."
me: "yes, i will."
mom: "no, b/c you didn't get the notes."
this continued until i was crying and finally said, "i'm going out, like it or not."

so, i went out. when my friend dropped me off at 11:25 pm (i wasn't that rebellious), i found that the doorknob to the front door had been locked. no keys to the doorknobs, only the deadbolts. all the lights were out including the outdoor porch light i had flipped on when i left and the motion sensor light over the driveway that's set to a timer. i took the hint loud and clear.

i ran up the driveway to stop my friend. she said she'd take me to her house for the night. we went out and i cried on the shoulders of my friends until 4 in the morning.

when i finally came home again it was sunday night. (i had school monday morning after all.) i had known (or at least suspected) the entire time that the doorknob lock on the door in the garage was broken and that after unlocking the deadbolt, i could just knock it open with my shoulder. that's what i did. what i did not expect was that my father was in the garage smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone to my grandfather. he barked, "what the hell are you doing here?" through beer-thickened breath. i didn't say a word, so he said, "get upstairs, i'll deal with you when i'm finished."

wow. that's already so long and i've just begun. i think i'll stop here.

back from blogger hell

2005-04-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to see the main page of this blog in almost 2 weeks. Then, today, suddenly, it's back. Who knew?

Eden over at so anyway recently posted about moving out of her parent's house. Reading it really made me want to tell my own story. So, I will soon.

2005-04-21T16:03:00.000-04:00

where have i been? working.

i always blog at work, not at home - so i've been too busy to blog recently. i had all these things to write about - cute little micahism's and what have you --- but i just found out this morning that my company will not be giving me that promotion nor a raise.

anyone hiring?

oh, yeah, and my cousin - the one with the metastasized breast cancer - yeah, she's dying. i don't know how rapidly but she's super emaciated. and she can't really walk b/c her left knee is weak from the cancer in her bones. she's frail. her hair's growing back though - quite unexpected. except she has a receding hair line and a bald spot. oh, and she's dying.

spring has sprung!

2005-04-11T13:35:00.000-04:00

and we enjoyed it at the park all day saturday and sunday. sunday, we met up with micah's best friend, carter and his parents. we all had a really great time. we even taught the kids t-ball.

there is a pretend train at this park for the kids to climb through. it's the engine cab and that's all. toward the end of the afternoon, we were sitting talking on the bench next to the train and turned to see micah and carter pushing it from the back with all their might trying to move it. too cute!

(if you click on any of the photos, it will take you to flickr where there are many more in color)

you know it's bad when

2005-04-08T14:26:00.000-04:00

me and money ain't never been what you'd call "friends". it seems i never have enough. i'm terrible with money. i'm incapable of saving.

when i first moved to ny (3.5 mos pregnant), i had saved up enough for a deposit and first month's rent and that's about it. it took me 3 weeks longer to find a job then it did to find a studio apartment. (for $800/month!! - ridiculous)

so, i made $20/week cleaning my cousin's bathrooms for her. she has 2 young boys - this is not an easy feat. i would eat dinner at her house 2 or 3 times a week and spend $8/wk on gas and $12/wk on food. i qualified for medicaid - duh - so at least the pregnancy was being well-cared for. i also had wic (where they give you checks for dairy products and peanut butter) and since i don't drink a gallon of milk a week nor eat a pound of cheese, i would give all the food to my cousin as a "look i appreciate what you're doing for me - here's what i can give back" kind of thing. i would also do chores around her house - like laundry, dinner, dishes, etc... as a way of helping out and doing "my part" - oh and i babysat. for free. a lot. oh, and there was this teeny-tiny thing about being pregnant, caring for her house and mine and living alone. i was exhausted. (and nauseous.)

anyway, i did it. i survived. on $20 damn dollars for like 3 or 4 months. then, as i worked more, i saved more. (i was going to be out on disability for 8 weeks - i would need to save up a month's rent because the disability checks would only cover about 3 weeks.) i still only spent about $30/wk and then the occasional purchase (like a maternity shirt or something - on clearance). i managed to save almost a month's rent and then used some cash gifts from micah's birth for the remainder that disability and my savings account couldn't cover.

one of the hardest parts about being on your own is state aid. the MOMENT you start to make a little more - they pull back a lot. for example, in ny, if you make $2000/month you can get child health plus for your one child for $9/month, but if you make $2201/month - that fee jumps to $153/month. HUH?? doesn't make sense!

this is my problem now. i'm making more but because of that i no longer qualify for medicaid or wic. daycare was costing me $55/week, now it's more than doubled. EACH WEEK.

3 weeks ago, i bounced 2 checks which equals $60 in fees. 2 weeks ago, i bounced 1 check for $30 in fees and last week i had to pay myself out 2 sick days in order to make rent and yesterday i had $10.13 in my account!!

i.hate.money.

more than that, i hate never having any.

missing in action

2005-04-03T10:33:00.000-04:00

wow - it's been quite some time since i last posted. if there's one thing i've learned in blogger-land, it's to never ever for any reason write about work. so, i'm going to write about work. what can i say, i'm a glutton for punishment.

usually, i'm bored out of my mind at work. the person who had my exact position before me is a friend of mine and so i know for a fact that she did her one morning report and then surfed the internet for the remaining 7 hours and 45 minutes of her day, leaving everyday for an hour for lunch.

i knew when i was hired that my boss wanted someone who would search work out instead of waiting for it to come to her. i've always done that so it's a perfect fit. my boss is also the opposite of a micro manager which works well for me, too because i don't like someone on my back.

anyway, i've taken on any and all possible amounts of work within my department from every single other person i work with. the work is now much more spread out between us and there are weeks when i have to work non-stop to finally clear my inbox.

that being said, there are just as many weeks where i'm spending 4 hours on the internet and taking an hour for lunch because there just isn't anything left to do. (just to ease your mind, my boss and i share an office and my boss faces my back and so literally knows every moment that i'm on the net. my boss also knows i blog at work and i helped my boss create a blog for my boss' kids - yes, i know that sentence sucked but i'm trying to leave gender out of it.)

so, now, i've begun looking to other departments for more work. (like i said, i'm a gluten for punishment.) for the past month or so, i've been working for 4 departments - that's 4 bosses, people, one of whom is a micro-manager.

with this, i know will not come a raise. that's not how my company is. you'll never be told to do more, so if you seek it out on your own you will absolutely not be paid for it.

but, the light at the end of this tunnel is this - one of the 4 bosses sees my potential and is spreading my name throughout my little job world and working diligently to promote me so i can work only for this boss.

wish me luck.

and this is all to explain where i've been for the last 10 days.

tiny - photo friday

2005-03-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

today is photo friday. it's also good friday. and at micah's school, it was petting zoo friday. so, i went for a visit and this is one shot that i managed to snap between all the little kids running around and trying to rip the heads off the poor baby animals.

bagel fiend

2005-03-25T13:07:00.000-05:00

i took it out of her mouth after i took the picture, of course. half an hour later, she stirred, chewed the piece of bagel in her mouth, swallowed it and fell back asleep...

grand theft bunny

2005-03-23T12:01:00.000-05:00

the bunny that micah stole

roasted red pepper

2005-03-22T14:14:00.000-05:00

we recently painted the kitchen red. err... roasted red pepper red, according to behr. and we painted the trim and caulked and everything. it looks good. we rent this house so there are MILLIONS of things i would like to change but i don't want to pour my money into a property that i don't own. so, for now, we're slapping paint and personality on all its walls!

i found my calling - horror movie star

2005-03-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

ordinary boy and i had the mother of all fights tuesday night. sometimes i just get so overwhelmed. and isn't he in this with me to support me and help me and be my partner? on days like tuesday, i can feel myself getting overwhelmed; can feel the anger and frustrating rising inside. usually, by the time i expolde, i've *almost* exploded numerous times but have been able to take that deep breath that gets oxygen to my brain in time for me to think - hey! - cool it before you do something stupid like yell or throw something.

not tuesday. tuesday was different.

o. boy and i work together which can be difficult and late in the afternoon he was grating on my last nerve. but when i got home, i tried, as i always try, to separate *work* ordinary boy from *home* ordinary boy. i guess i wasn't successful because the first mildly annoying thing he did (which was to place the food we were going to cook for dinner on top of the paint cans that are still sitting on the counter b/c he has *touch-ups* he still wants to do) already required me to breathe deep.

i really didn't feel it rising up inside me though. the baby was whining, but what else is new? i had been home maybe a half an hour when i knocked over these 2 metal chairs that are in the kitchen because he still hasn't moved them into the garage which knocked over the trash which knocked over the paper bag we were using for *paper* trash which he had put left-over bread crumbs and other food waste into which spilled all over the floor and the whole reason i was backing up was because the baby was whining at me and trying to grab hold of my pants and i didn't want to erupt on her so i was trying to ignore the whining and that's when i caused all this and that's when it happened...

it.happened.

i screamed. i screamed so high and loud that jamie lee curtis would've been proud.

the baby just stared at me. o.boy said, "why would you even do that? that's just crazy."

wrong.thing.to.say.

now with haloscan

2005-03-16T12:37:00.000-05:00

a lot of blogs i read have been adding Haloscan; especially blogger users, like kb, because blogger has been so slow lately. it's been annoying me that i can't comment on anyone's site so i figured i'd at least make my own site less annoying.

hopefully, this helps!

**UPDATE** damn, i suck - whatever i did deleted all my old comments... now i have to redo. aargh... i hate being html challenged!!

ps - advise on this is MOST WELCOME!!

well, that and the fact that i was half an hour late.

2005-03-14T15:02:00.000-05:00

this morning, micah was a crank-bot. ob-noxious. i didn't feel like putting up with it, so i put a dora dvd on for her.

and wouldn't you know it, i'm not only dressed business casual (instead of the same jeans and hoodie i've been wearing for 2 weeks) but my hair is straightened and i'm even wearing MAKE-UP! (hey! don't laugh! mascara totally counts!)

boys rock

2005-03-14T11:51:00.000-05:00

saturday night, micah had a friend come over to play. it was adorable to see ordinary boy with someone else's kid. when the friend woke up around midnight, crying for mommy and daddy, ordinary boy went and got him and cuddled with him on the couch until he stopped crying. then, he sat on the couch holding the sleeping baby boy until the boy's parents came because he was afraid that if he put him back in bed, it would wake micah.

and me? i got to SLEEP through the entire thing!

boys suck

2005-03-13T13:13:00.000-05:00

it took me 15 minutes to get you off your ass to get ready to get out of here. i was trying to do my hair while the whiny 2-yr-old asked me 815 questions. then, i ask you, "do you like my hair?" and you LAUGH IN MY FACE. then, while i'm in the bathroom trying to fix it, you ask, in all seriousness, "do you not want to leave now? did you change your mind?"

the contender

2005-03-11T13:37:00.000-05:00

my new favorite show. is anyone else watching it? it's timeslot sucks. 8pm sunday nights... but last night it was on in place of er and it sucked me in.

okay, "favorite" might be stretching it - lost is the best show i've ever seen. i'm addicted. but alias is becoming a bit... "meh" lately and i do like the apprentice and the amazing race... so, really the contender comes in say 3rd.

but my god, this is a great show! the man who lost the fight in last night's episode, jonathan, seems like such a good man. and he has 4 kids and his wife is like 9 months pregnant with number 5 and he's such a cute daddy and a respectable human being... yes, yes, i cried when he lost.

seriously, check.this.show.out.

now.

fascinated

2005-03-08T12:14:00.000-05:00

yep, we're in ny. it's like 2 degrees and we're expecting snow at noon. but last week my brilliant self asked micah to try on the baseball cap i bought her at old navy for this summer and now she won't wear anything else.

"no, mommy, i don wanna wear my hood. i wanna wear my baseball hat."

you can't blame her. it's damn cute.

bzzzzzzzzzt

2005-03-08T12:08:00.000-05:00

ever since ordinary boy and i met, we've been able to read each other's minds. one of us would say something and the other one would say, "hey, that's just what i was thinking."

one of the first times this happened, ordinary boy said to me "bzzzzzzzzzt." because, apparently, that's the sound linking minds make.

or didn't you know.

(today, the bzzzzzzt was peanut butter filled pretzels from trader joe's. mmmmm...)

"ding-dong, the witch is gone."

2005-03-07T14:20:00.000-05:00

she is gone.

my mother and i have never, absolutely never gotten along. i parent very differently than she and my father did. and my daughter is very much like me. (just a little easier than i was - but i often ask myself - could part of it be that i understand her and don't judge her and parent differently?...)

so, i found myself getting very defensive of micah. my mother yelled at her sunday afternoon. (granted, micah hadn't napped and was in full brat mode, but give me a break. she's not your kid - you see her for 3 days or so every 6 months - you shouldn't be THAT frustrated with her.) micah actually yelled at her first. you see, my mother doesn't listen to anyone and compound that with the fact that 2.5 year-olds are hard to understand and they both got frustrated. micah screamed, "no, gammy, i wan NAM-KIN!! my hands is STICKY!!" (poor kid had already said it 3 times politely) and my mother screamed, "DON'T yell at grammy!"

when micah returned with the napkin, i asked her what happened. "i yell at gammy, mommy." and i asked her what she should do. so, she went and said to my mother, "i sorry i yell at you gammy, an i sorry i hurt yo feelins." and my mother didn't even apologize back!

see, differences in parenting. in her parenting world - the adult is always right. it's okay that the adult yelled because the child "provoked" it. but in no way was it appropriate for the child to yell because the child yelled at an ADULT!

aargh!!! so.angry. well, i was last night until milan looked over at the smoke coming out of my ears and gave me a "i'm-so-sorry-i-never-fully-believed-the-devil-that-is-your-mother" look and i felt much better that someone felt my pain.

ps - okay maybe the wicked witch link is a little harsh, but this woman puts me through hell in my own house!

boys in cars

2005-03-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

to the guy in the car next to me who witnessed me flipping out on ordinary boy. i'd just like to say thank you. after making the universal "roll down your window" sign, thank you for saying to me (with a BIG ASS GRIN ON YOUR FACE) "you fightin' with your boyfriend?"

although you didn't know it as i drove off after saying "you bet your ass i am." i was laughing my ass off!!

thanks.

i needed that.

fish tacos and threatening to kill boyfriends

2005-03-05T09:43:00.000-05:00

my mother arrived thursday evening. (which the same day i decided to "read up" on my cousin's condidtion.) the airport is only a couple of miles from work, so it was very convenient. ordinary boy's job was to switch our cars (we work together so how easy is that) so that he'd have the carseat and then go get the baby. i was to pick up my mother and then run to the store to grab some last minute ingredients to make "flicken fish tacos".

he was supposed to leave at 5pm and i was supposed to leave at 5:40pm. at 5:45pm, when i went out to the parking lot, i see my car waiting for me instead of his! well... let the games begin.

he had driven all the way to daycare in his car WITHOUT A CARSEAT before realizing his mistake and so was 25 minutes away. so, i had to go pick up my mother at the airport and then drive to daycare to get the baby all within 35 minutes. i was furious. (wow, looking at that word "furious" doesn't even begin to describe the let-down and stress i was feeling.)

so, he had to go to the laundry mat and the grocery store for me.

on my way home from daycare, i called him and he still hadn't gone to the grocery store, so i did. when i got home, i double-checked the recipe and realized i'd forgotten 2 essential ingredients so i sent o.b. out to get them. i added a couple of other things - like beer which by that point had become essential. his list included 4 things. he called 3 times because he couldn't remember anything. (hmm... maybe we should've written down as i suggested?)

the last phone call was whether to get lemons or limes. "the recipe calls for limes," i said. "to help you remember, we also need them for the corona so get 3."

well... he came home with lemons.
i sent him back out.
he comes back with limes but says that while i'm cooking dinner, entertaining my mother and taking care of the baby, he wants to run back out to see if his prescription is ready. fine. whatever.

he comes back and while i'm still cooking dinner, entertaining my mother and taking care of the baby decides to immediately get on the internet.
"hey, ordinary boy, want to help me with dinner??"
he says, "in a minute, i want to check something on ebay."
and as my friend put it - "them's fightin' words!"

at the end of the day - the fish tacos were INCREDIBLE!!!!! thanks chicken flicken!!

gammy

2005-03-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

my mother came to visit for the next few days. she arrived last night (more on that later). this morning, when micah woke up i asked her the same three questions i ask her every morning.

"did you sleep well?"

*nods yes*

"did you have nice dreams?"

*nods yes*

"what did you dream about?"

*smiles* "gammy."

every little bit helps

2005-03-04T11:31:00.000-05:00

please follow the link in the title to sign the petition (if you feel so inclined) for legislation to stop "drive-thru" masectomies. i remember receiving an email about this many months to a year ago, but hey, i'll sign it again.

thank you
thank you

WARNING - this post might be tough to read

2005-03-04T10:42:00.001-05:00

yesterday sucked.

ass.

big fat smelly ass.

so, i have this cousin whom i'm very close to. she's like a sister to me. we'll call her sunny. she has breast cancer and it's metastasized to her brain. that's old news. come to find out, it's still spreading in her brain despite the chemo and radiation and acupuncture treatments. but if you ask her, or her mother, my aunt, how is she - the answer is always "GREAT!" now, i know this is because they both are under immense stress and feel like this is the only way for them to hold themselves together but i am one of those INSANE people who wants to actually *know*.

so, i went online. (carol - if you prefer NOT to know - please, please stop reading.)

i learned some scary news through this site.

something that really hit me was this:

Breast Cancer Survival Rate by Stage

Health care professionals are able to be predict a patient’s survival rate based on the determined stage of breast cancer. The following chart is an approximate survival rate for each stage of breast cancer. Percentages will vary depending on individual medical situations, etc.

Stage ----- 5-year Survival Rate
0 ----------- 100%

I ------------ 98%

IIA ---------- 88%
IIB ---------- 76%
IIIA --------- 56%
IIIB ---------- 49%
IV ------------ 16%

Source: American Cancer Society

A five-year survival rate refers to the average number of patients who are still alive five years after diagnosis with a specific stage of breast cancer. After seven years, the survival rate decreases for each stage. The average Stage I breast cancer survival rate is 92%. The Stage II survival rate is 71%, Stage III survival rate is 39%, and the Stage IV survival rate is 11%.

then, i got in a fight with someone at work even though i wasn't trying to fight and it made me cry because it was like 15 minutes after i'd read this.

then, my boyfriend happened. that'll have to be it's own post.

good people

2005-03-02T16:05:00.000-05:00

today we had lunch at sakura, this cute little sushi place near work. the people who own it/work there are the nicest people i've encountered in new york. we've been going there for 2 years now. they say hello and goodbye to everyone, they are always smiling and because of that, they have a lot of regulars and a very steady lunch crowd all week long. well, and because they have the best, absolute BEST, sushi, miso soup and ginger/sesame salad dressing.

on our way there, some idiot who was merging from the right hand turn lane to the left hand turn lane in about 10 feet, ran us off the road and almost slammed into us. then, we eat at sakura, and it's like, what idiot in the mercedes?? love this place!

"where everybody knows your na-ame... and they're always glad you ca-ame..."

full moon, saturday night

2005-02-28T11:52:00.000-05:00

this weekend was rough. micah's in this stage of yelling and hitting me and it's taking all my restraint to treat her better than she's treating me.

saturday, we went to the gates which was cool but she was such a brat the entire time that it really overshadowed it. and sunday we went to ciao baby, our favorite restaurant but by that point she was the same, i was fed up with her and milan was fed up with me. she pooped in her diaper and then fell asleep in the car on the way home from dinner so i had to wake her and change her when we got home. (and besides it was only 6pm - she wasn't going to sleep yet or she'd be up at 4am ready to go.)

she kicked me. and hit me. and yelled at me. and flipped onto her belly with her arms and legs tucked under her so i couldn't flip her over. and screamed at me. and when i did flip her over, she hit me some more. then she yelled at me some more. so i held her chest down and managed to get the diaper off and of course, it's like the biggest poop to ever come out of a child and she's bright red with her little fury and still screaming and hitting and kicking and flinging herself.

and that's when she does it. puts her besocked (is that a word?) foot in the poop and proceeds to get it all over me, the changing table, her, the floor, etc... and so i screamed. no, i mean i screamed. as in, i screamed. the moon, which was so big and full and beautiful this past weekend, actually backed the hell up into space fearing the rath that must be behind my scream. i screamed, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!" and my eyes rolled back and my throat was immediately horse and i actually popped that vein in my forehead.

her screams turned to tears but much quieter and they subsided before i'd even finished getting the new diaper on her.

so, anyway, there was this episode once on er where they dicuss full moon, saturday night and how crazy it is. i don't know if there's any truth to it, but from what i've read in this here blog-o-sphere many a mother was um... "challenged" this weekend by her child.

today's not self-portrait day, you twit

2005-02-25T14:45:00.000-05:00

i know, but do you see?? the hair?? it's straight!!

in a flash

2005-02-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

i had a bad day tuesday. a bad day. there was that whole road rage incident and then nothing went my way. stupid stuff like i was clumsy and the computer system at work was acting up and i have to get my car fixed and micah is going through this "i'm not going to listen to you and i don't care what you try to do about it" phase.

so last night, i picked her up, got her a banana at T.Joe's and then we hit the mall. fun stuff, right?

she was actually pretty good. at the very end though, i *stupidly* agreed to let her walk next to the stroller. the mall was fairly empty. she ran ahead like 4-5 feet which in a dead mall, is okay by me. that's when it happened. i told her to go this way and she said no and RAN OFF!!

RAN.

Into Sears. Not down the open, empty aisle way, no. Into a huge store with full racks and more people and exists!! To the parking lot. Where there are cars. For the kidnappers to drive away in.

so, i ditched the stroller full of our coats, my purse, etc... and SPRINTED into Sears.

i turned left, i turned right. i heard a giggle. i turned left again. i ran the child down like a bull after a clown.

it probably only took me about 45 seconds to find her but - oh.my.god. - someone could've taken her.

so, i grabbed her and carried her like a football. which she hates because she can't hit/kick me and it's oh so uncomfortable for her. it's my "punishment" carry - it's how she knows she in t-rouble. ("cuz that starts with p and that rhymes with t and that stands for trouble")

the infamous skirt was taken away. she wasn't allowed to wear it to school today. and i went through this whole shpeal (after the you never run away from mommy speech) about how angry i was with her and how she hurt my feelings. this always works wonders with micah. our version of "time out" is that she has to go play by herself and not play with/touch/speak to mommy. it kills her.

anyway, i didn't yell. i'm very proud of myself.

kyoto treaty

2005-02-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

i'm sure most of you have heard that bush has stood by the u.s. rejection of the Kyoto treaty. here is where you can find out a little more for yourself and sign the petition to help save our planet.

i remember learning about earth day and recycling in sixth grade. it changed me forever. it takes so little on our parts to do so much. we just have to behave responsibly.

anyway, decide for yourself.

morning commute

2005-02-22T09:07:00.000-05:00

to the insane bitch in the grey volkswagen golf - license plate starts CLK - who tried to kill me on my way to work this morning.

you know who you are.

after cutting me off so that i couldn't go anywhere, when you began to get out of your car and were threatening to, what was it you said, "beat my white ass", i called the cops.

this is just to say that when they pulled you over i hope you were driving without a license and had no insurance.

you sure did make my morning, hope i was able to do the same for you. :)

2005-02-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

micah hula skirt

overheard

2005-02-18T14:53:00.000-05:00

while speaking to the director about micah (i've been getting notes home all week regarding her poor listening skills), i brought up the problems i'm having potty training her. she advised i step back and wait for micah to come to me.

director: "sometimes you just have to do the opposite of what you want."
me: nodding in agreement, "true. true."
director: "you know, you have to treat her like you would treat a man."
me: laughing, "oh... (epiphany) you know, i've always treated my man like a child - i don't know why i didn't think to treat my child like a man."

musicians

2005-02-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

upside to dating a musician - you're introduced to new, good music and not top 40 crap, the guitar gets played almost nightly, live shows when you can find/afford a sitter

downside to dating a musician - there is incessant finger-tapping!!!! no one tells you this when they speak of the oh-so-cool "i want to date a rockstar" dream. if a surface is within reach, a melody will be played on it. desks, tabletops, steering wheels, gear shifts, my body, the baby's head, you name it!!

and - to add insult to injury - my boss is a drummer. so this is part of my life no matter where i am, people!!

gettin on my nerves

2005-02-17T23:48:00.000-05:00

how can you suddenly, sporadically forget which toothbrush is yours? i've made sure to get you a white one each time we've replaced them for the last 9 months! why would you decide today to use the purple one?

why is it whenever i check on the baby, everything's fine, but when you do, you wake her? every.time.

it's a queen size bed. seriously, there's room for us both. scoot the hell over.

then, after you roll over pouting and whimpering like a puppy dog, reach one foot back over and lace it between mine.

perfect mommy

2005-02-16T11:37:00.000-05:00

sell out

2005-02-15T13:56:00.000-05:00

that's right. i sold out. i now have google ads on both blogs.

sigh... i may as well have fun with it, right?

hmm... what kinds of ads would i like to see?...

[fuzzy slippers] [mustard beats mayonnaise] [pretzels] [red heads blogs]

this just in - a toddler talks her mother to death. that's right folks; the toddler killed her own mother by ceasing to speak

2005-02-14T20:28:00.000-05:00

who knew you could be so tired just from listening to someone speak?? i brought in strawberries for the munchkin's valentine's day party. she was so excited that she told everyone we saw. "i bringin staw-bewwies!"

so, on the way home she wanted to eat the few that were left. i said, no, that they were too messy and she could eat them at home.

"mommy, i wan da stawbewwies."
"in a minute, babe, i'm driving."

2 seconds later...

"i wan stawbewwies"

7 seconds later...

"i wan stawbewwies"

you get the point. by the time our 15 minute ride was over, i could barely walk i was so tired and i just wanted to stab a knitting needle in my right ear.

my desk

2005-02-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

ordinary boy sent me tulips and a tower of candy!
okay, on the count of 3, everybody now:
1, 2, 3 - awwwwwwww...

ain't he sweet?!

go bye-bye

2005-02-14T13:15:00.000-05:00

this morning when i dropped off the baby at daycare, she wouldn't kiss me or hug me goodbye nor would she even wave. i realized i'd forgotten something so i ran out to the car to get it and then came back in her classroom to drop it off.

she was sitting at her table eating french toast and when i leaned over to kiss her, she jabbed her elbow in my chest and said, "go bye-bye".

sniff - this attachment stuff will always get me. if only she were as attached to me!

parenthood

2005-02-11T20:24:00.000-05:00

it's 8:20 on a friday night, i'm 26 years old, and all i can think about is going to sleep.

the holidays are over how long will it be before the money's back?

2005-02-11T12:26:00.000-05:00

we finally have enough cash since the holidays to splurge on a night out away from the kid! yeah!! don't get me wrong, i love my daughter more than i could ever put into words, but rated r movies - here i come! i can only watch dora and baby einstein so many times before my brain begins bleeding. and even though santa claus dropped by over 6 weeks ago - that claymation rudolph movie is what she wants to watch 24-7.

enough already. it's adult time.

let's get this started

2005-02-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

i began a blog for my daughter back in october '04 and i thought it was damn time i had one of my own, so here it is!